Peace of Mind is Beautiful
You can train your mind to be happy. It takes work. Not money
It is a learning process. I am still learning but I put this out here to be an example and for you to know you aren't alone.
I smoke the hell outta weed, I do. Its helped me to bring out whats in my head so that I can heal. I'm not gonna go through the whole blahblah sob story, but basically I have been to a real hell. A hell in my mind. The hell that everyone seems to be trapped in. The hell that makes you anxious. the hell that makes you scared. The hell that makes you feel like a mess of a person trapped in a fucking box and no one sees you and no one listens because they just know they are right and you need help. The hell that keeps you remembering the past. keeps the trauma popping up in your head despite you having to do shit. the little thing that people notice that you really don't want them too. Call me mentally ill all you want but I finally understand how to be free from the hell that was my mind. Now I can be clear in here and I can finally listen. I see myself in so many broken people. I just want to spread a little light so that you can spread your own unique light. If you want to know more, I have more journal posts. Also check out my nut job paintings, which in reality came from meditation, chakras .Opening up the energy in your body. Oh and Weed and Tool. Healing and purging my emotions. Bringing in the good energy and letting out the bad. Bad energy stagnates. We have good energy all around to bring into our bodies and souls. Stop and smell the gotdamned roses. Because that is a positive sensation that builds positive chemicals in your brain. Positive chemicals turn into positive behaviors. Positive behaviors heal you. Bring in the positive and kick or scream or cry out the negative. Deep cry. Those crys you used to have as a kid where you just couldn't keep your eyes open. Cry yourself to sleep again. see if it isnt the best sleep you've had in a while. And be concious (don,t care, i do but im in the zone) be concious of things going on. conciously chose the good energy and purge the negative, until you can listen and observe and learn, Observe and be aware of what you are doing. I did't know that most of my problems was because of me. Like with my mom, I still have a hard time talking to her, but all those knock down drag out fights was because I could have walked away but I tried to prove myself who can't see. I could have just walked away. I didn't have to listen. I see where and how I went wrong in so many situations. But It did go wrong. My whole life went wrong because i hid my emotions from myself and I chose the negative energy over positive. Its simple. Cry like a baby when you need to. Just because your grown doesnt mean you dont need to cry. You didn't lose your tear ducts at 17. They there still for a reason. Use them. Free yourself so you can love. Is anyone Listening? I hope so. It doesnt matter. This is mainly for me to continue to heal. If you have heard me, let me know. TTFN
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Am I retarded Jesus? I used to think, maybe there was something wrong with me. In my head I had a battle. A war. It was horrible. I couldn't sleep at all. The thoughts of my husband beating me or of my daughter dying or of the stroke...It plagued my mind. Sometimes all the thoughts would mix and become jumbled along with all the worries of being a poor adult with kids. How am I going to pay this, why the fuck does my daughter hate me, how am I going to buy food. Not having a car. I had no room for light or love, You have to make room for that and I didn't know. I didn't know that after a good emotional purge, that I would feel so good, not only mentally, but if you pay attention your body also relaxes. Remember crying yourself to sleep as a kid. I didn't remember a lot of my childhood, But somehow all of those memories are opening up. They aren't great lol at all. I had a horrible childhood. But I allow myself to remember those memories and it makes me sad. I cry hard. Like I cry myself asleep for the little girl who couldn't. For the teenager who was mad and who I see in my daughter. I cry for those unresolved issues. I cry for my dad who was a good but broken man. I cry for my daughter I lost, I cry for my baby boy I lost, I cry for the domestic violence, I cry for the stroke, I cry for the life that was stolen from me, But I am making one now. I fucking purge my emotions and then I am able to live. I am able to paint and write. I am able to find things that I love to do. I am able to have room for love. On facebook, I added allllllllllll the Tool fans I could find. I know we are broken. I know we are fucked up people who "Normal" people find weird. I know we hurt. I cry for you. I think I love to cry now. But I am going to do it whenever I feel the need so I can fill up my head with light and hope,l love and mischief and mother fucking fun. I don't care who wants to judge me, go ahead. Normies can judge me all they want. FOR I AM NOT A SLAVE anymore. I am not a slave to my past. I am not a slave to my fears, I dont have many. I am not a slave to being the same. I am not a slave to wearing the same shoes as everyone else or acting like everyone else to fit in and it still happens as an adult. If you think you aren't, you aren't looking closer. You have to work to make a living. You go everyday, Tired and frustrated and mad and anxious. Question your existence. Get mad at your family because YOU are stessed out. You barely make it. You barely can keep food on the table. The first step to becoming free is to ( I think and I damn sure aint no professional) is to purge all those emotions, not just once, or twice, but everytime you feel it. Every fucking time, If possible. If not, PUt it away until you get to your purging space. Mine is my room. Let yourself cry a deep deep cleansing cry. Note how it makes you feel after you have thrown yourself an adult sized temper tantrum. RELAX, clear your mind and let in the good for once. YOu will probably sleep. Good for the first time in a while. We are very emotional beings. If you allow emotions to build up they stagnate just like anything else in your body you may have too much of. Like for me fat. My emotions built up so much I believe it made my ass huge. YOu may laugh cause I damn sure did, but I think Its true. I know one damn thing, It builds up as stress. It kills. I had that damn stroke, I know. It tried to get me. All my facebook friends, I love you all. I see myself in every mad one of you. Try this a couple of times, Allow yourself to feel like a gotdamned nut. Go down your own rabbit hole. Everytime you come out, You come out better. Good luck. Also this is from my own experience. If you crazy crazy, like maybe seek someone who you trust to be there with you. I though for a long time that I was a bad human. I thought I was crazy. I also thought for a while that I may be capable of hurting someone or myself. After doing this for years, I know my base is good and I am not scared of myself anymore. Ok GG ttyl GOODBYES. If you a facebook friend, leave a comment if I have that on there, If not tell me if you liked this post on facebook. ok TTYLS GOODBYES HAVE A GREAT DAY AND PURGE........safely.
Ok, so I'm going to explain this again. I haven't had the easiest life. This article I am writing about is about my health. I should be dead. I should be dead a lot. Probably more times than I know about lol. No but for real. Its been rough. As a kid, I was pretty much feral. Not even a joke. Me and my brother lived with my grandad and grandma. Our dad was always sitting in his trunk when he was home. Drunk and or high. He loved us but he didn't even love hisself. He couldn't take care of me and my brother. My grandad was a 90 year old aries man. He was mean and would not let us kids in the house in the daytime. Not that it mattered much. We never really had food. I remember we ate a lot of ramen noodles, frozen pizza, and those damn peanut butter cookie things. Most days to be honest, I didn't eat unless I was at school. Welcome to America, where people and even kids starve everyday, but go unnoticed because they are ashamed to say a goddamned thing. Because people might talk. People are fucking starving in Fucking AMERICA, but they don't say anything because people put them down and they are embarrased to get help to eat healthy. TO EAT HEALTHY. People in America, some of us don't eat healthy because it is so much cheaper to eat unhealthy than healthy. A mother fucking burger is cheaper than a salad. Anyway. we starved as kids. I remember the dr. telling my grandma, you need to get this kid some vegitables. I had low iron, potassium, blood sugar. I was always on the verge of death. Even as a kid. I didn't have a choice as a kid, but I damn sure do now. Eight years ago, I had a stroke. I had the stroke two weeks after my son was born and I am sure most of you know he was born on friday the 13th. Well two weeks later with the baby weight still stuck firmly on my ass, I had a stroke. I was in a coma for five days and could not walk or talk for over a year. I got supercalifragalistic fat. My ass grew to purportions that you could only dream of. lol I have been losing weight and I feel it. It is my time. I am going to finally be healthy. I think they only way you can is when you decide you want to live instead of die. I finally want to live. I finally will live. Join me. Lets change shit together. I am and will always continue to work and evolve and change and morph into what I want and how I see myself. I love me. If you love me, Follow my blog. Follow me for inspiration and updates. Share. love you all.
I finally got my car fixed.Three years ago, I bought a car. It broke down. I waited all year and bought a pretty truck. It was a four wheel drive, the body looked great and within a month, it broke down. Then I bought another truck. As soon as I got it, that mother fucker broke down too. FML. Well I sold it for maybe 200 dollars. I added it to my tax and bought the bug. WIthin a week, my bug broke down. So this year a couple of my friends found me a mechanic. They know him and they also found a tow truck. He fixed so much on my car and so far, it is working great. In the three years I have been pretty much stuck in my room, I developed a passion for Painting, and writing. Also I love to woodwork. I never took a class on anything. What I know, I taught myself. I also go my medical marijuana card. For me, it makes me see thing and be able to paint what I see. It also helps me to face all of the past hard memories and pain that normally I would just push away. I also use medical marijuana for pain. I have trigiminal nuralgia and had to go to the emergency room today. I still need to write something about trigiminal nuralgia. It sucks. It is a nuralgia in your face.
SO I got my car fixed and being able to leave the house when I want and not ask to use a car feels so great. It makes me feel a little more like a grown person. I havent wrote in a minute, but I have had a lot going on. Ok well, till i feel the urge again. Laterz... So every year for the past three years, I bought a car and it broke down. I wait for income tax and buy a clunker. That may seem stupid to some, but I am a single mom, who had a stroke, been through hell and I don't have no money. Well I kept my clunker from last year. This year my friends found me a mechanic, called the two truck, and did pretty much everything. It has one more thing on it before it is fixed, but my car is running ya'll. They are amazing. I have no life skills. I just now got a life.
I went over to their house earlier. I took about three drops of rso oil. Medical marijuana. I took that much because my face started hurting from trigiminal neuraligia. (totally butchered that). Anyway its a chronic facial pain disorder, I will eventually write about. But yeah. I was sitting on my friends couch trying to pay attention to them. Trying to pay attention to the t.v. Trying to pay attention to me painting crazy shit all over there walls in my head, because they are white just like a blank canvas. All of this going on in my head. I started thinking that I needed my Tool. My music. One of the best things to calm my mind. I also desperately wanted to paint. So I looked at my friend and said will you please take me home. lol She drove her car. Her husband drove my car and long story short, I am so happy to be home. I think this maybe the first time in like three months I left my house. I get over there and freak out. Lord. Anyway, I am not sure if sleep will come, but I just wanted to write this while it was fresh. I still and probaly always will need to work on peace of mind. I feel like it was so easy to lose and go back to that mania. I didn't like that at all. I have worked so hard on organizing my thoughts and getting out what I am feeling, but I am doing that on my own. So, i tried to talk myself out of it, but to no avail. I tried to explain how I felt and my friend is a great listener. I felt like I was in therapy with them so it was kinda good, but I don't like feeling vunerable so I tend to just shutup. Weed makes everything come out. EVERYTHING. A lot did come out and I am just glad she is understanding. They both are. I write this so you know you aren't alone. I think we are so used to being the strong ones that it is hard to let someone help you every once in a while. They have helped me so much. I am going to try to sleep now. Till laters. GOODNIGHTSSSSSSSS Caught this image last night. I think its kind of creepy. Creepy to me is beautiful. Mystery is beautiful. I love to leave mystery in things. That way maybe one day you will discover you liked something or was drawn to something all those years because of that one thing you didn't see or that one word you didn't hear in music. I still don't know alllllllll of the tool lyrics, lol but I do know a lot. I like to leave the lyrics alone that I don't hear right or know so that one day I might here it clear. When I do that's when I am supposed to I guess. I like to let the universe guide me. I am trying now more than ever to give myself to it. The spirit of everything. You may call it God, but the spirit does not care about what you do. Its not mad at you. It can't be. Zero point energy or God energy or Christ consciousness. Its pure love. Why would it hate you. It has no reason to hate you. It has no reason to love you, but it does because that is what it is. Animals have instinct. They are pure love, pure consciousness . The instinct to bite or kill is all to protect that body, that kitty or dog or bird from hurting itself and to keep going by survival. The consciousness gave us this animal instinct to survive. I've been surviving so long I'm not even sure I know how to be a human anymore. Humans have free will not to chose to do whatever the fuck we want. I mean we can, but we also have feelings that prevent us from causing pain or causing distruction. We have the option not to be bad. We have the option to love. We have free will to filter out the bad vibrations, the demons, the things that terrify you. Where is it all coming from? You. All of that torture from past horrible memories. All those sad sad soul crushing memories. (my daughter died) . That, the memory of watching my ten year old die while holding her. Tortured me forever. Every time I closed my eyes. It was me. My daughter does not want me here to suffer because of her. She wants me to live because of her. Because I can push that memory aside now and deal with it own my own in my room. I know it's going to hurt, but if It starts just popping up all of the time out of nowhere I know I have to deal with it. I do, but when I am ready. Then I have peace from it for a while and i am able to move on. My baby is all around me. SO is everyone I have ever lost. My ancestors are with me always. I don't have much of a family history, but I feel my anscestors cheering me on everytime I accomplish something. I haven't accomplished much, But I feel like I am going to. I will never stop dreaming, but it is so strong now. I am about to fucking live! I've walked through hell. I have died. Twice medically. Growing up in Alabama, I should be dead all the time lol. I am not scared of death. So what other option do I have. I will live. Despite anyones opinions of me. I quite don't give a fuck. I will live. I am free. I am free. You can be free. Fuck of mother fucking antidepressant. I love you all. All fear is, is instinct to keep your human body working for the spirit. The primal spirit. The spirit that is wild and will eat you the fuck up. Or will love you and take you in and free you from all of the other humans out here trying to make you be like them because they think they are better because they want to be like everyone else. lol I dare a mother fucker to ever try to get me to conform. I will never strive to be like anyone else. I never did. I had no idea, but this has been me my whole life. I remember my cousins wearing high hills and trying to dress me up. They looked cool. On them hell. I couldn't walk and I remember saying, but why do they have to hurt so much to look good.I was probably around ten. I said I wasn't wearing them. I didn't I wore my old dirty white tennis shoes. The ones that had that dang blue label on the back. Only mine was from the dollar store like eight years ago. lol Anyway I don't wear no fucking high hills. Ever. lol I hate high hills. Ok I can tell its time to stop writing. I've went off track. ttyl I give because I love. I have always wanted to love. I am weak and young. I just want someone to love me. I just want someone to care. I want to be held like other girls.
I've never been loved. What is it like? What is it like to look at someone and have time halt. To be able to look at a person forever. To be able to want a person forever. To love one person forever. I want that. I so desperately want that. I want to be happy. And there you are. Tall, dark and hansome. ( now I think he looks like the devil himself). Have you come to save me? Will you take me away? Me and you. Alone. I really don't know you. Who are you? From a different world. One that perhaps is tougher than where I come from. Tougher in different ways. Hard, and sense you're a man, It must have been really rough from there. I had no idea. I had no idea how hurt you are. You're tormented. You're sick and somehow I am the enemy. Why? What did I do to make you hate me? You're scared. You're scared I am going to leave. You're scared that you aren't good enough. You,re scared that without fear I couldn't even begin to respect you. You have to hurt me so that I know you're the boss. You throw around your testosterone like a wild animal. You make sure eveyone else sees you in the best possible light because you are scared. YOU ARE TERRIFIED OF THE WORLD. You call yourself a christian?! You know you have problems yet you ignore them and beat me. You beat me to keep me. You beat me to make me know that I am insignificant. That I am not important, That there is noone out there that will help me. Maybe there is. SO you make sure I don.t have a way to get help. You take all of my things. You make sure I am completely dependant on you and you're money. You make sure I am terrified to come out of the room. I have to cook or you will get mad. I have to come out every once in a while. I'll be good. I promise. I will stare at the floor so that you know I don't like your brother. I will ignore him so that he thinks I am the bad guy. I will do as you say. I will cook, I will clean, I will take your beatings, because afterwards, I will have a little peace, because you feel bad about what you did. I accept your apology because I am weak. and because I want someone to love me. I want someone to hold me. I need someone to love me. I need to be seen with someone so the world thinks I am not a loser. I need you. I love you. I hate you. I want you dead. You look stupid. I hate your face. I will fuck you because I am terrified of you. I let you rape me because I am terrified of you and because I don't love myself. I need you. I love you. I hate you. I hope you fucking die. No I don't want you to die. I want you to finish living in your own miserable head while I sit here and heal. I realize now that you were sick. That you are mentally insane. That you will always live in hell because you won't ever accept that you are not as great as you made yourself out to be. I feel sorry for you. I really feel sorry for you. I think that if you live in anger, thats what your afterlife is going to be. Youre own personal hell from this world following you into the next, unless you feel this shit. Unless you learn how to be comfortable with your own shit. I am comfortable. I am not sad. Sorry this got so dark, but isn't that life. It will be dark as hell if you let it. It will be hell if you let it. Don't let it. Get out, struggle struggle struggle until one day you are so greatful that things happened the way they did. You look back and think, I am so glad to be here. I am at that point. I am exstatic to be at this point in my life. Car broke down, Don't leave my house ever. It's ok. I am here because this is where I am supposed to be. One day, I will look back on this and say, woa I'm glad I am here and not there. Anyway. That started and I had to finish it. You get to read this straight from my head. Until laterz....toooooooootaaaaaaalooooooooooooo I have been through so much hell, that I was beginning to think I was a horrible person. In reality, I was just any other person out here trying to make sense of a world that has hurt them and made them feel like something is wrong with them. This world. this 3d world will try to tear you down every chance it can get. It will rip you apart if you let it. I attracted so much negative energy. I just don't allow it anymore. I have dropped so many negative people out of my life, its beginning to be easy. I have the ability to chose my life. I will do the things I love. I will paint, I will write, I will continue to try to be an inspiration. I will not do anything because someone thinks they are right and that I should listen because all of my artsy stuff isn't going anywhere. It's ok because this is MY life. you have your own to make what you want. If someone is constantly bringing you down or dictating how you should live when their own miserable lives are falling apart. Drop them bitches too. I am anout to wrote a poem called drop them bitches. Ok I gotta do it, but first I have to check on my weed decarbing in the oven. It'll be great, or it won't. whatever, but Im going to do it. Laterz.
Im not even embarrased I can't spell. Maybe I should be, Maybe its a sign of intelligence? Maybe it's just a sign that you can copy other people great. I'll invent my own fucking language. Ok back to why my story is not embarrasing, embarasing, embaracing. This is painful. I should definetly learn to spell. Why it is not embarasing and why I am going to continue to tell it. First of all, Its mine. It's my life. It's my daughter who suffered and lost her life because of domestic violence. ITS HER STORY. Because I am her mama and, I don't give two shits if you want to claim me or not. I have been through hell. My daughter and baby boy died. I will type and tell this story because it's mine until i fucking die if it helps anyone. To the person who said it was embarrassing. HA! two ss Tera. I learned a thing. It's embarrassing. two rr's and two ss. But my story is not. I am a fucking worrier.
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AuthorMy name is Tera. After not living my whole life, I decided I wanted to live and have fun and to make other people happy. That is my goal. To spread love. LIGHT LOVE HOPE Its never too late to love. Archives
December 2020
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