Peace of Mind is Beautiful
You can train your mind to be happy. It takes work. Not money
It is a learning process. I am still learning but I put this out here to be an example and for you to know you aren't alone.
I need to keep a journal. I felt like I was losing touch with reality and here lately I have been worried again that I might eventually. I feel like thats what althstimers is. That its someone that has an overactive imagination and eventually stops giving a fuck what anyone thinks of them and gets lost in there own mind. Why because they wasnt allowed to feel it when they had a grasp on it for fear of people judging them. Mother Fuckers just wont listen to a dumb southern bitch that cant spell and curses all the time and smokes weed. So any wisdom I have gained from real fucking experience is gone. No you want my Godamned opinion, this is how it comes. I cant explain myself without cursing because this is what the world made me. Hard. Hard as hell and if you cant see past the hardness to get to the truth then go somewhere where the people talk all nice and happy and giddy and you think you know a thing and you have no fucking idea what its really like. Stop looking to fake son of a bitches and learn from someone who has withstood the goddamned fire. Hell. Ive been there, Still coming out, but I will never conform to make you comfortable. Im not bad, not evil, not an asshole, but I am broken and you could learn a lot from broken people. People who have been through unimaginable things. People who cant spell but can tell you things that make your life a little bit better. someone who has been through hell so they curse. Someone high af will not lie to you. They wil, freely give you their opinion. Free af anwers but because they are staring into space and using their mind instead of trying to impress you, you think they are crazy or just brush them off. They are trying to tell you things to help you because they have been through it and they dont want you to hurt. But you wont listen because they arent refined as you. Go through one day of their lives and you will be crying begging for them to help. YOU DONT LISTEN. you dont pay attention to these people who are in the fire and dont want you to burn. And then people who dont know what to do tell you to pray. Let a mother fucker just talk. without telling them pray. They are trying to get things out to you. Let us talk. They need to get it out so they dont fester and just really dont care anymore. Let us talk. We want to heal the world, but no one is listening. I know this isnt fluid or have any paragraphs or punctuations or the spelling is horrible. BUt I have to get it out this way. fast or I cant. I am also high. I am and it just has to come out or it stays inside and festers and makes me feel like I am a bad person. When I get it out I realize I am not. I just can not and will not ever keep my shit in again. It festers and turns into physical desiese. I KNOW THAT AINT SPELLED RIGHT. I dont care. This is for people who are in the fire and need someone to talk without being scared of ridicule. I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK. I will speak my non spelling, cursing, southern ass mind. Its up to you wether you want to get through the bullshit to learn anything from it. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. lol Have a beautiful gotdamned day yall.
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I have trigiminal nuralgia. It is a chronic facial pain disease. It is from the stroke and it sucks. My face feels like it is on fire. It burns. I feel like I need to run away from the pain, but the pain just follows. It is as if the death of my daughter is on my face. Its the worst pain anyone can feel according to nuerologist. I will be ok. In these moments though, I feel like i just can't. This disease is called the suicide disease because people who have it cant take it so they do the only thing they can to escape it. During an attack one time i thought just cut your wrist it wont hurt as bad as your face. I am not suicidal. But my face is unbearable sometimes. It is easing up. It is scary when something can make you think things like that when otherwise you wouldn't. Ive been stressed out because I dont think I have sold any paintings. Stress brings it on. I am trying to survive and heal the only way I can. I don't know. I know Ill be ok. I always am, but I need to write these things out also to heal. Hopefully one day someone will find value in my words. And my art. I feel like it will be after I die. I would like to at least see it happen. would validate everything I have been through and done. I need something big to happen. Come on universe.
I am excited and also terrified. Theres nothing to fear, but fear itself. I will not let my fear stop me from trying every possible way to become the person I have always meant to be. I am a worrier, if I didnt spell that right, Im TRYING. lol I am strong and I do not quit and I am trying to tell the world my story, because I love myself now and I will not quit because of other peoples opinion of me. I will not ever stop evolving me. Never, will I turn my back on me again and I will work until the day I die to leave this world a better place because I love people. I love everything and I know the future can be better. It starts with yourself. I didnt know how to love myself. But I am accomplishing things and I will never stop. I love you all. Who ever is reading this. I love you and dont ever quit. Scream your pain at the world and watch it change. Face it, embrace it and love it. Dont push that part of yourself away. Get comfortable with it so comfortable that it gets easier and easier to deal with and then you see the lessons in it and begin to love that part of you and the part that you are fighting is the part that needs healing and love. STop hiding from yourself. Stop hiding from everybody. Start living and loving. Every person is a reflection of yourself. What you dont like about them is probably something you cant stand about yourself. You will start to see you in others and not want to hurt any living thing. it all comes from loving yourself. Now I have strength and peace of mind. I wont stop. htt:https://www.artimpactinternational.org/tera-nicole-hurst//www.artimpactinternational.org/tera-nicole-hurst
There are so many things to worry about. I have ran out of just about everything I own. Im watching things dwindling away. Ran out of canvases. Used up almost all of my paint. Colors in my paintings are starting to be weird. Ok weirder. I think that maybe you could tell if an artist was out of some color by the colors they chose. Like im painting purple clouds and blue donkeys lol. Anyway maybe theres way more meaning in a painting than you know. I have a credit card that wont stop calling me. I have normal everyday problems too. I am just so sick of barely even making it when I know I am so much more and I could inspire. I get tired. I cry and then I feel like everything will be ok. It always has been. It will be. Its ok. I am ok at this moment. Things could definetly be a lot worse. So so so so so much worse. I am Good.
When I paint. I am concentrating on the art. I am listening to music. I am becoming one. I am dissolving. I am becoming freer. The words problems dissipate. They are no longer important. I am clearing my mind. I am just me. I just am. I am. To be or not to be. I chose to be. I chose to be the best me ever. I want everyone who ever doubted me to watch. I want them to see. Maybe there way of thinking isn't right. Maybe its just a fight. I am a fighter. Problems lifting. Clear thoughts come in. A presence comes in. I feel it. Its light. Its also primal. Its passionate. Its love. So no matter how much I want to prove people wrong about me. Its me just proving me wrong over and over. Its me challenging me to be better. Its me evolving. I finally love me. I am strong. I am beautiful. I have been underestimated my whole life. Its what I needed to survive. I like someone underestimating me. It is fuel to my fire. My fire burns bright.
I am 40. I have no education. I have no life skills, I have never really lived. After you have been abused, Its a lifelong job of trying your best just to get by. The world doesn't care about used up women. I am going to be a voice. I will never shut up. After being abused and neglected and tortured by my husband. After watching my oldest daughter die when she was ten. After losing a little boy because my husband beat me when I was pregnant. After a fucking stroke. I have shit to say....spelling be damned and yes I may be a little fucking angry. Who wouldn't be? The fact that I still have any mental capacity to even type is a fucking miracle. This is what the world doesn't want you to see. A comeback story happening right in front of you. I am tired, This is hard everyday. The world is just waiting for me to lose my shit. No not going to be a tragedy here. Already was. I died. I am going to live now. I will live. I will live. I hope You watch me. Because I want to inspire. I feel like its the only job I can do. Besides paint. I love to paint.
I am frustrated. I don't know where to start man. My life has been hell. It can't have been for nothing. I have survived my whole life. I want to live. This all seems like its going no where. I am just in a bad mood. I am all about spreading light and love. Some days I am just drained and people drain me. People love to argue and fight. I try so hard to keep peace without taking sides. I think I don't have the patience man. I need to find a way to release anger safely. If I don't I may explode. I really need to meditate. I know that I need to be still and keep being better everyday. I need to trust that things are going to get better. I need to clear my mind and trust that I am exactly where I need to be right now. Sometimes I want to quit, but something won't let me. Like why tf do I need to be the example. I didn't ask for this shit. I just can't let everything I have been through be for nothing. I also can't let my daughters life be for nothing and with that being said. I won't quit ever. But I will not let this take my good energy away. I will not let this stop being fun. I will never ever quit painting, laughing, dancing and loving. I will also never stop trying to learn people and trying to learn how to communicate without anger. It gets us nowhere and It only hurts ourselves. All we are doing by fighting is hurting ourselves. You don't have to prove any point to anyone. I would fight all damn day long and night and my blood pressure almost killed me. That goddamned stroke wasn't even nessesary. I did that shit to myself. I won't do that to me again. If i had another stroke, it wouldn't be because I caused it. Because I am at peace. Or I will be after I get this crap out. Really need to release anger. I have to figure it out. Ok till next time and even if noone is listening, there will be a next time, because I have no idea how to quit and I don't want to know. ok ttfn.
Crazy kitty. I love this Kitty. This picture though really cracks me up. I am Tera and sometimes I like to write about nothing. Most of the time I do it when I am high. I haven't smoked yet today. Anyway. with all this crap going on with the damn corona virus, its good to be able to write about nothing. Do something you don't need to do. Actually give your brain a moment of peace. Breathe and listen to music. I feel bad for people who think they have to fear this. You don't. Fear is a lie. Love is real. If you need something to do. Love people. Even from a distance. Do what you uniquely do in order to make people smile. While they are spreading fear. Lets spread love. And remember to take care of yourself first so that you can take care of other people. Taking care of yourself is loving yourself. Be strong, Be brave, be fearless. Most of all Love yourself so you can love others. Spread our love and light. fear hates that shit.
I smoke the hell outta weed, I do. Its helped me to bring out whats in my head so that I can heal. I'm not gonna go through the whole blahblah sob story, but basically I have been to a real hell. A hell in my mind. The hell that everyone seems to be trapped in. The hell that makes you anxious. the hell that makes you scared. The hell that makes you feel like a mess of a person trapped in a fucking box and no one sees you and no one listens because they just know they are right and you need help. The hell that keeps you remembering the past. keeps the trauma popping up in your head despite you having to do shit. the little thing that people notice that you really don't want them too. Call me mentally ill all you want but I finally understand how to be free from the hell that was my mind. Now I can be clear in here and I can finally listen. I see myself in so many broken people. I just want to spread a little light so that you can spread your own unique light. If you want to know more, I have more journal posts. Also check out my nut job paintings, which in reality came from meditation, chakras .Opening up the energy in your body. Oh and Weed and Tool. Healing and purging my emotions. Bringing in the good energy and letting out the bad. Bad energy stagnates. We have good energy all around to bring into our bodies and souls. Stop and smell the gotdamned roses. Because that is a positive sensation that builds positive chemicals in your brain. Positive chemicals turn into positive behaviors. Positive behaviors heal you. Bring in the positive and kick or scream or cry out the negative. Deep cry. Those crys you used to have as a kid where you just couldn't keep your eyes open. Cry yourself to sleep again. see if it isnt the best sleep you've had in a while. And be concious (don,t care, i do but im in the zone) be concious of things going on. conciously chose the good energy and purge the negative, until you can listen and observe and learn, Observe and be aware of what you are doing. I did't know that most of my problems was because of me. Like with my mom, I still have a hard time talking to her, but all those knock down drag out fights was because I could have walked away but I tried to prove myself who can't see. I could have just walked away. I didn't have to listen. I see where and how I went wrong in so many situations. But It did go wrong. My whole life went wrong because i hid my emotions from myself and I chose the negative energy over positive. Its simple. Cry like a baby when you need to. Just because your grown doesnt mean you dont need to cry. You didn't lose your tear ducts at 17. They there still for a reason. Use them. Free yourself so you can love. Is anyone Listening? I hope so. It doesnt matter. This is mainly for me to continue to heal. If you have heard me, let me know. TTFN
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AuthorMy name is Tera. After not living my whole life, I decided I wanted to live and have fun and to make other people happy. That is my goal. To spread love. LIGHT LOVE HOPE Its never too late to love. Archives
December 2020
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